what happens now?

“do you really know the person you’re sleeping with?” carrie bradshaw posed this question.

what happens when the person you thought you knew inside out, suddenly shows a side of them that makes you take a step back and realise, you don’t know them as well as you thought?

what happens when the person you’ve been building your dreams/future with, becomes the person who tears them apart?

what happens when you realise this person has become your best friend, confidante, your entire world, and you have no one else to turn to? your friends are his friends. your home is his home. your safe place is him.

what happens when you realise you have crossed way over your side and you’ve lost your way back? it becomes a one-sided relationship.

so what happens when doubt begins to eat inside of you and you wonder if you’ve given up far too much to let go now, and yet, you wonder if you should?

and yet, all he can do is get angry when you raise your issue.

so what happens now?

you repress your emotions and stay. because if you leave, you know he won’t hurt as much as you will.

dead romance & design wonders

why do i feel like we’re drifting apart although everything is still the same?

perhaps it is because he no longer has ‘that look’ as often as he used to. or is it because of the lack of cuddles that used to make me feel so appreciated? it could also be the signs of him wanting to be single every now and then. and certainly no more whispers of sweet nothings.

i know, it’s almost inevitable for all this to happen as a relationship progresses towards the stale end of the scale, but i don’t like it and i refuse to accept it. just like how i refuse to accept that my metabolism is starting to slow down and i need to start exercising.

lesson number one on marriage:
his mum once said to me (in her cute nyonya accent), “marriage is not about love love thing. it is about keeping each other company until you’re old. even though we fight everyday about small small things, i know he is a good person.”

but the thing is, i WANT that “love love thing”. i want it to be the forever, ever ever (ala outkast) thing. who doesn’t?

it is because of this, i don’t think i’m very good with keeping long relationships. i refuse to grow stale. i want passion throughout, not obligations. perhaps, i really am going to be an old spinster with 14 cats as someone once told me.

oh joy.
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i love looking at interiors. here’s some i drool over.

BATHROOM

BEDROOM

love the colour scheme of this bedroom. contemporary shabby chic with a vintage feel.

here’s a reason to never get out of bed. a HD plasma tv embedded into your bed. now all you need is a bell to call for food!

another reason to sleep all day. in your very own rocking bed!! i’m so deep in love with this bed.

simple yet curvy in the right places.

crossroads

i find myself in an unfavourable situation. i’ve gone on a full ride of emotions – from being pissed to no end, to feeling numb and being unable to care anymore.

and yet, i am unwilling to act upon it simply because it would be rather inconvenient.

part of me wants to stay. but part of me says, there’s no point. i am expecting more than i can be given. there is no future here. it is continuing to walk on a road with a dead end, hoping that you are mistaken.

priorities. everyone has a different list. unfortunately, i know i’m not up there on that list.

despite knowing all that, i’m still here. afraid that if i let go, everything else will crumble all around me and i’m just not ready to deal with that.

emo-nya. and i’m not even PMSing.

it’s not helping that my stomach is being a bitch and my bowels are threatening to let loose an avalanche. damn steamboat.

u know that feeling where you were pissed off for so many little reasons, and now you can’t remember why you’re pissed? that’s where i am. i’m just over it. tired of being angry and disappointed.

perhaps i shall try and get some sleep.

awaken the morning grouch

why bother asking someone if everything is alright when you’d rather not talk about it? you ask me what’s the problem. i tell you. all you do is keep quiet and i wonder if you’re even thinking about what i’ve said. or do your thoughts simply wander off into the mundane so you can avoid the issue?

even worse. sometimes you just shrug it off and make a joke out of it, hoping it will divert my thoughts so we won’t have to face the issue. how mature.

as long as YOU are happy, everything is fine. that’s selfish love. you love, to be loved back. you love, to feel good. you love, temporarily. sometimes i think, it’s better to have no love than selfish love.

prove me wrong.

the lady joiner is here

i have decided to embrace my heritage whole-heartedly. okay… it’s only quarter of my heritage but everyone knows i’m a pretty lousy chinese anyway. i’m still working on that part.

you want lady joiner? lady joiner can bring a friend too. you take two, we give you special price. you want two dollar sucky sucky? then go to the supermarket and buy a packet of straws. i charge premium price.

you want massage? i give you very good price. happy ending – charge extra.

time for lady joiner to get a shower. a smelly lady joiner gets no business.

angry sex

apparently it’s amazing. i won’t say who told me that. but apparently it’s amazing. and i believe it.

imagine a torrent of anger, a whirlwind of emotions – rage, hurt, pain, betrayal, love, resentment – all whipped up together. and then lust comes in. and while you’re screaming at him about how much of a miserable piece of shit he is, he grabs you and shoves you against the wall.

and… you can imagine the rest.

that WOULD be abit of fun, i reckon. alas, it is something i will probably never experience in my menial life because i lack the passion and emotion that complements that sort of situation.

i don’t rage. i don’t yell. i don’t scream. i just seethe. silently. if i had angry sex, it’d be silent angry sex. it’d be like having sex in a graveyard. weird.